Heather Busher

Let’s Get Vulnerable

heatherbusher — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 14:03:17 +0000

Last night I was pleased to stumble across this Ted video. She says something in here that really resonates with one of my core beliefs. She says, “Connection is why we are here. It’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives… it is neuro-biologically how we are wired.” It’s so interesting to hear about her scientific, research-based approach to discovering what makes connection work for some and not for others. What she discovers is disconnection comes from shame, a feeling of unworthiness and people who live “whole heartedly” find connection because they are willing to be vulnerable, mainly because they believe they deserve love.

I have a lot of respect for all the myths in our culture and their power to teach us our nature through metaphor. This particular story of connection and disconnection has always reminded me of the Judeo-Christian creation story of Adam and Eve in the garden. They live in paradise until they eat of the tree of knowledge and they feel shame, hide themselves, experience blame and they are separated from their creator, thrown out of Eden. The fall of man is equated to the illusion that we are somehow disconnected from our creator, when in truth I believe that we are not. And we constantly seek re-connection… when we feel good, we feel connected to life, the people around us, to our purpose and our values and when we feel bad, its because something has blocked our ability to know we are connected to our loved ones, purpose or values.

Think about your happiest moments, receiving a baby, falling in love, achieving a long awaited goal… these moments feel so amazing because we are feeling connected to ourselves, to our gifts & talents, to our creator, and to others. Now think about your saddest moments, when a dream doesn’t work out, or someone you love deeply passes away… the thought is “I’ll never see them again”… underneath that, I am no longer connected to them.

I’ve always treasured Einstein’s words when mourning a loss like that. “Energy is never created or destroyed. It simply changes form.” And I love how Abraham-Hicks talks about “we are always spiritual beings and sometimes physical.” And then I couple that with the belief that I am always connected to source and to everything in existence, and while my loved one is no longer physical, somehow we are still connected on a spiritual level.

This appreciation of the importance of connection echoes through all of my life, especially in coaching, peace consulting and my approach to children. It’s why Pam Leo’s book Connection Parenting rings so true to me. It’s why I chose Coach for Life and the Inspired Learning Foundation for my training. They are both based on the 10 Standards of Presence, one of which is Connect at a Heart Level. And it’s why I fell in love with Compassionate Communication as taught by Marshall Rosenberg. He taught me that we are all connected/interdependent and through choosing to connect on the level of needs, we can find solutions that meet the needs of everyone involved. I love this!

So it’s really interesting to hear Brene Brown’s research pointing the finger to “vulnerability is the core of shame, our fear, our struggle for worthiness, but it appears it’s also the birthplace of our joy, our creativity, belonging, and love.”

She found that whole-hearted people had:

1) the courage to be imperfect, and

2) the compassion to be kind to themselves first, because you can’t truly be compassionate to others if you aren’t first connected to your own needs.

3) They found connection as a result of authenticity. they were willing to let go of who they were supposed to be in order to be who they really are.

4) And they fully embraced vulnerability as a necessary part of life. They believed what made them vulnerable, made them beautiful.

For most of us, myself included, living whole heartedly through being vulnerable is a challenge. For me, learning to embrace mine and others imperfections and to be compassionate to myself first are the big ones. And my hidden big one… authenticity. In many ways, I am as authentic as they come. I’m an open book, I’m deeply and sometimes inappropriately honest, and I’m always seeking connection through this method of authentic sharing. However, I do recognize that I have a filter, and my filter never allows judgmental thoughts or thoughts that might offend others to escape my mouth, and so there are things that I don’t share openly, and therefor might inhibit my full authenticity and therefor my full connection. But I’m learning… that’s why I’m so passionate about Compassionate Communication. It is teaching me how to communicate my truth (judgments included) and connect fully without risking disconnection through the thoughtless expression of judgments.

“They say” we always teach what we most need to learn, and that does appear to be the case for me. And as I share my path and passion with groups, I really offer this as a bonus. I’m in the trenches with them, I’m their equal in discovery. Together we will explore this new terrain, share in it’s ups and downs, and support each other as we travel in the direction we want to go. A more fulfilling way of living.

My goal is to make life more wonderful for myself, my family, my community and the world at large and I believe connection is the key. Thank you Brene Brown for sharing your discoveries with us!

Quote of the Day

heatherbusher — Sat, 04 Jun 2011 22:18:15 +0000

photo by Mark Walz www.themarque.org

“Don’t aim at success — the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue… as the unintended side-effect of one’s personal dedication to a course greater than oneself.”

–Viktor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning

What do you think?

Have you ever aimed at something you wanted and missed? Have you aimed at something you wanted and nailed it? I’d love to hear your own experience about seeking success or happiness and whether or not you think Frankl has a point. Please comment below:

New Equation for Happiness – Who would have “thunk” it!?!!

heatherbusher — Thu, 19 May 2011 01:36:39 +0000

Truly it seems like such a “master of the obvious” statement to say, “Living in alignment with our Life Purpose, Values, Gifts and Talents equals happiness and vice versa” and yet, so few of us, myself included until a few days ago, consciously choose to a) discover and define our purpose, values, gifts and talents through something like a workshop or foundation session and b) strategically go after a meaningful, fulfilling life with this as a focus!

This is where the juice is… and by “juice” I mean energy and magic and all that it entails!

I first had it demonstrated to me when I was sharing a recording of one of my coaching sessions with my mentor coach for evaluation. As he was reflecting his thoughts and asking me questions about the session, I found myself excitedly gushing over how much I love holding this space for people and witnessing the powerful transformations they have in very short time. He stopped me and pointed to my purpose statement and asked me to read it aloud, with my client’s name substituted in where appropriate. “To open my heart, see my true self and help *Jennifer do the same.” He said he would venture to guess that by the joy in my voice he could easily detect that I was in alignment with my purpose and could I see that this was true? Yes, I could, and yet, I wanted to test it out… to try this with other people… catch them happy and see if they were in alignment.

Yesterday, I was scheduled to give a Foundation Session to *Benjamin and before we began, he told me a story about a recent success he had experienced. He said something like, “I went to this meet and greet for fishing enthusiasts and I met all these amazing people. One person in particular was wonderful and working on a project that I’m really interested in. It was so perfect because of what my wife does for a living and because of my skills that I could easily contribute to at a relaxed pace, because they aren’t in any hurry and it also would allow me to fish!” I congratulated him, honored him for getting out there and moved on… completely forgetting about my recent commitment to do sleuth work in searching out happiness to find it’s cause. It wouldn’t have helped at that moment anyway, because I didn’t yet know what his values, talents, gifts and purpose were… that’s what the Foundation Session is for.

Fast forward 2 hours later and Benjamin and I had discovered that his Talents and gifts were 1) Seeing the big picture on projects, 2) having strong skills in his field of fishing and 3) working with people. His Values in order were Balance, Relaxing, Good People, Collaboration and Fishing. As I began to wrap up the call and explain the purpose behind why we had just taken all this time to root out these words and call them values, I explained that I would be looking to catch him in the act of living in alignment with them and I would be encouraging him to continue make choices that lead toward his values. “The theory is…” I said, “that people are happiest when living in alignment with their values.” And that’s when the light bulb turned on and I said, “For example, take the story you told me earlier and see if we can relate it to these 5 words.”

Sure enough, they were everywhere:

“I went to this meet and greet (WORKING WITH PEOPLE) for fishing enthusiasts and I met all these amazing people. One person in particular was wonderful (GOOD PEOPLE) and working on a project that I’m really interested in (SEEING THE BIG PICTURE & COLLABORATION). It was so perfect because of what my wife does for a living (BALANCE) and because of my skills that I could easily contribute to it (WORKING WITH PEOPLE) at a relaxed pace, because they aren’t in any hurry and it also would allow me to fish!”

It was so obvious that the theory was true in this case that Benjamin instantly began laughing. SUCCESS!!! So, off I go to catch more people feeling happy and help them make the connection.

*name and details changed to protect identity

Peace Coaching & Consulting – my path

heatherbusher — Tue, 08 Mar 2011 19:27:01 +0000

In the late summer of 2004, on a smoking-hot day in Las Vegas, I was sitting in an ice-cold ballroom amidst a crowd of people with their eyes closed, all allowing Jack Canfield, co-author of the Chicken Soup for Soul Series, to guide us through a visualization to reveal our life purpose. As I was guided in my imagination to open a box containing a symbol of my life purpose, I saw a mirror inside and a heart with a lock and key. I heard the words, “To open my heart, see my true self, and help others do the same.” That phrase eluded me at first, yet it has guided me further and further down my path since the day I unveiled it. Three years later I began my training as a Life Coach. Since that time I’ve entertained my voracious appetite for self-development through books, conscious movies, trainings, practices and more. I began developing a focus around Compassionate Communication as it is taught by Marshall Rosenberg and working with parents of young children and teenagers. This focus frightened me for a long time, even though it calls deeply to my heart. I heard the judgment… “who am I to serve this population when I have no children of my own?” Yet, again and again, this calls me… I am not a parent, and yet, I am a daughter with many parents. I am skilled at connecting to the needs within each person, reflecting back to them their own words, so they can feel heard and awaken to their own magnificence and brilliance. I don’t have to know what it’s like to be a parent in order to hold a loving space for people… in fact it may be in everyone’s best interest that I don’t see myself as an expert… I am simply holding the space for each client to receive what they most need and become their own personal expert in their lives… to open their hearts, see their true selves, and possibly help others do the same. As often once finding something that truly helps improve our quality of life, we want to share it.

Mother Teresa often spoke about the hunger for love and appreciation in this world far outweighing the hunger for food. Let us come together to heal that need in ourselves first and from that full place, spill over into our families and loved ones to meet their needs, as well.

Through this work, I hope to satiate a deep hunger in my clients and empower them to ease the hunger of the people around them. Together we can heal ourselves and the world, one open heart at a time.